1. The truthiness will set you free!
2. And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! I quit!
3. In success, you wouldn't be able to say I'm conservative or liberal. I'm part of the blame-America-last crowd.
4. I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
5. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well known liberal bias.
6. Hey, what if we pulled out of our own civil war? We'd still have slaves! Why do you hate black people? Air tight logic!
7. Have you ever looked at a cloud and thought it was something else? Then stop...smoking...dope!
8. Lemme just talk to you for a second about something that I think is good for America: caramel apples ... I had one last night. Delicious. Not talking about candy apples. I think candy apples are a danger! You crack 'em, they're very sharp. You candy apple crowd need to wake up!
9. Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
10. Like O'Reilly, we'll grab the most important word out of every sentence, ... `The,' for example. Also, I'll say, `I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, `Colbert angry.'
11. I want to thank Comedy Central for picking up the show, but more importantly I want to congratulate Comedy Central for picking up the show,
12. The show is about me in that when you give opinions, you're saying something about yourself,
13. I can't prove it, but I can say it.
14. In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant, ... One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'
15. My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
16. Bush has a real problem on his hands here, John: What honor should he bestow on Karl Rove?
17. As God said to Job, Checkmate
18. I swallowed 18 condoms full of Truth and I'm heading over the border.
19. Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.
20. Move over Oprah you fat bitch, tonight every member of my audience receives a priceless gift... the Truth.
21. Forgive me Father, for I have Truthed.
22. Get some ice, I've pulled my groin. My enormous groin.
23. Hey America, nice ass!
24. Side effects of tonight's show may include euphoria, patriotism, and painful urination.
25. When I think about Truth, I touch myself...
26. The Colbert Report's terror level has been elevated to brown, somebody spilled coffee on the chart...
27. No animals were harmed in the recording of this episode. We tried but that damn monkey was just too fast.
28. Hey partridge in that pear tree. Stop eating all those pears.
29. Caution: You are about to watch me enter a no spin zone!
30. A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y? Consonant or vowel? Make up your mind, we're at war.
31. Happy Birthday. Charles Darwin ... in hell.
32. February, if you had any balls you'd be three days longer.
33. Librarians are hiding something.
34. They found a new Earth-like planet. Drive that Hummer all you want.
35. Happy National TV Turn-Off Week, you hypocrites!
36. Clothes don't make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants.
37. I report, I decide.
38. It's the sixty-third anniversary of D-Day. Still waiting for that thank-you note, France.
39. Being me is a full-time job, and I've never missed a day.
40. Hey, semicolon, comma or colon? Pick a side, we're at war.
41. Hot enough for ya? Yes I am.
42. One small step for me. One giant leap for me-kind.
43. An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
44. Reality has become a commodity.
45. Bears pounced on one of our nation's biggest corporations like happy Germans on Poland.
46. Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
47. There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.
48. Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
49. You don't support the President? Maybe you don't belong in America.
50. Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
51. By the way, I am legally required to mention that the show tonight may contain peanut products. Run for your lives, you pussies!
52. And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it!
53. Do they GIVE a Nobel Prize for throwing your own feces?
54. If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well just have your Pope issue a reponse. Oh that's right, you don't have a Pope. Because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one.
55. (After Bill O'Reilly compared Daily Kos to the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazi party) Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.
56. Need I remind you that if the Democrats take control of Congress, Democrats will be in control of Congress!
57. I'm all for George Bush, I don't care if an ear of corn screams at me when I bite it.
58. I don't believe gay marriage is a slippery slope down to marrying snakes. I believe marrying snakes is a step up from gay marriage.
59. Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
60. Washington [state] is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.
61. You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.
62. I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what are the facts.
63. Changing 'French fries' to 'Freedom fries' was arguably this Republican Congress's greatest accomplishment.
64. Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one... Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus-or-minus the facts.
65. OK, every time the President comes up with a new secret tactic to take down al-Qaeda, the media blows its cover: torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our emails, secret prisons, all perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror.
66. You know what really gets me, Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. 'Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!' We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq!
67. Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
68. Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job.
69. You know what you can't outsource? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.
70. Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I'm a freaking lunatic.
71. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But I've got oven mits.
72. Sure they may be old and sick, but as Jesus said, "Walk it off."
73. Now, isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
74. I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history.
75. I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
76. I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
77. Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity.
78. Going to church. It’s my favorite part of being a believer. On a typical Sunday Morning while some people are enjoying brunch or enjoying a good tee time, I sit in church imagining them chained to a burning lake of unquenchable fire. You know it makes even the dullest sermon fly by.
79. Isn’t a centrist someone who doesn’t have the balls to be a fanatic?
80. I’ve never been a fan of doctors. Who are they to tell me that a cholesterol count of 320 is ‘dangerous.’ Hey doc, take a look at this. It’s a potato chip with peanut butter on it. Mmmm? tastes like deep-fried liberty.
81. These robots were expected to live on Mars for only 90 days, but two years later, they’re still working. This is not good. They’re not powering down, they’re unkillable, with clear survival instincts. This can only lead to one thing — breeding. Why did we send two of them?!” Don’t put your death wish on us, NASA!
82. Everyone knows that Cheney’s pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into the New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull.
83. There's nothing wrong with stretching the Truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
84. Congressmen are gonna need a hell of a name. Something bold. Something sexy. Something with a little more zazz than F.E.M.A. Here's what I propose: the Storm, Accident and Viral Emergency Unconditional Relief-Support and Emendation of Loss Federation (S.A.V.E. U.R.S.E.L.F.)
85. Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.
86. Easter is the holiest of Christian holidays, celebrating the resurrection of Jesus after his crucifixion at the hands of you-know-who. Doesn't take a biblical scholar to see how Jesus is related to things like colored eggs.
87. The apocalypse is clearly upon us, Nation! It's go time. Stock up on locust repellant, and avoid drinking the bloody river water. Jesus is coming round the mountain on his six white horses. I mean, take a look at this corona during the eclipse. That's god saying 'with this ring, I thee end.
88. Listen science, your attempts to discover the awesome, mysterious forces that formed and continue to shape our universe have nothing to do with religion. Keep your 'hard evidence' chocolate out of our 'personal faith' peanut butter. God found Adam under a cabbage leaf. Read the bible.
89. It's important to pay your taxes, but it's just as important to pay as little tax as possible. Think of it as putting big government on a diet. The treasury is your fat friend who wants to eat your ice cream cone--but it's your cone, you worked hard for it, and you'll be damned if tubby two-by-four is going to slobber all over it.
90. On Hitler's approval rating: "99 percent thought he was on the right track. And today, there's one thing everyone, Democrat or Republican, left or right, agrees about: there's no one worse than Hitler. And with his approval ratings at a new low, President Bush is just proving, once and for all, that he's the president least like Hitler."
91. Once again, scientists are telling us what 'may' have happened. If they had any balls, they'd just say this is what 'did' happen. with or without evidence. That's what the bible does.
92. We'll never get the big government gorilla off our backs as long as we keep feeding the money monkey with our banana bucks. And it'll keep throwing its fiscal feces at us. I can run with this metaphor as long as I have to.
93. After a contentious debate on the Senate floor and months of fiery rhetoric, Samuel Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. All you need to know? Stock up on Trojans.
94. This time, and I hesitate to say this, but while he may be in fact right, it feels like George Bush is wrong. Oooo! That hurts my gut. My gut tells me that George Bush is always right. Ooo! That hurts my brain, 'cuz this is so clearly not the right gut political decision for him to have made. Ooo! There's my gut again. Bush is right. No, wrong. But he's right! Ooo! No! He can't be right and wrong at the same time!
95. What if every time Superman wanted to use his heat vision or cold breath or (other Stephen) crush a lump of coal into a diamond! (first Stephen) Good one. What if he had to go to the Justice League and convince Aquaman to give him permission? I mean we're fighting Lex Luthor here. We can't be f$@^ing around with the Wonder Twins and that damn monkey Gleek.
96. Last fall, I welcomed a small country -- a tiny, socialist backwater -- to the Colbert Report family. It was called 'Canada,' and November 7th was the first night their corrupt government allowed the Report to air? Well, it looks like my balls rubbed all over Canada. They just elected a new Prime Minister: it's Stephen Harper, an America-lovin', healthcare-dismantlin' social conservative? I'd just like to point out that, in less than three months, I fixed Canada!
97. There is only one solution: build a wall. A wall across our entire southern border. We should probably also close off our northern border - keep that socialized medicine out. And they can swim, so we'll probably want to do the coasts too. And while we're at it, let's put up a dome. We'll just punch a couple holes in it so we can breathe?
98. Take a look at this sentence: 'Timmy and me went to the store to buy milk.' Wouldn't the correct grammar really be, 'Timmy and me and Jesus went to the store to buy milk?' Because Jesus is with Timmy and I wherever us go.
99. If it's summer and you want a snack comprised of graham cracker, chocolate, and marshmallow, you have to go with a S'more, and that means getting all the supplies, building a campfire, and telling ghost stories. They're terrifying. Not worth it. I just want a cookie.
100. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd has published a new book, "Are Men Necessary?" a series of essays defending her inability to get a date. Yes Maureen, men are necessary. As long as there are spiders to be killed, and jars of spaghetti sauce to be opened.
101. Ramadan marks the day the archangel Gabriel revealed the Koran to Mohammed in a cave. Halloween dates back to ancient Celts celebrating the Harvest of the Fields. Point: Ramadan. Caves are much cooler. Batman doesn't park in the Bat Field.
Monday, October 29, 2007
1. The truthiness will set you free!